The Unhoneymooners - a Review

By Chung Yu Kwok

Picture this. You’re assigned a group presentation and you and your teammates wisely choose to divide and conquer. Then comes the day when it’s time to show the class what you’ve learned…and the script’s out of order, the slides are completely uncoordinated, and someone hasn’t done the entire second half of the powerpoint. This is how reading The Unhoneymoooners by Christina Lauren - two individuals that meshed their first names together most creatively - felt. Even the title lacks cohesion. As much as I love whatever they’re trying to do here, I’d prefer a name that doesn’t come accompanied with that little red line every time I type it out.

Here is a short summary of the novel (spoiler alert, I guess): miscommunication. Enemies to lovers. Coupon-sponsored vacation. Forced proximity. Fake relationship - then a real relationship. Conflict. About two lines of grovelling. And they all live happily ever after. Notice how I can outline the entire story with tropes.

I’ll begin with a simple request. Someone please tell both Christina and Lauren that internal monologues about “bad luck” are not enough to suspend my disbelief - his ex AND her boss on the same island in one week? The entire plot of The Unhoneymooners could slot neatly into A Series of Unfortunate Events, especially since all our female lead does (she’s called Olive, by the way. Don’t ask me WHY there are so many Olives in romance fiction. I do not know) is complain about her misfortune. Matter of fact, it’s even written in the first sentence of the Goodreads synopsis of this book. So your twin sister has collected enough coupons to pay for a free wedding, a free honeymoon, and free food poisoning…and you, with your PhD in Biology and glass half-empty mentality, could not possibly compare. Boo hoo. And there you go, folks - that right there is the whole story! You’re welcome. 

It’s safe to say The Unhoneymooners has rendered me speechless. There is nothing in here that you can’t find elsewhere. Annoying protagonist? We’ve discussed this. An awful male love interest with no personality or backbone of any kind? Oh, you’ll meet plenty of those in real life. What I find fascinating, however, is the romance itself. This may be the first book I review that doesn’t contain explicit scenes I have to skirt around, for the simple reason that there isn’t enough chemistry between our two flimsy leads to light a match, let alone earn this novel a rating above PG-13. It’s at times like these that I miss ACOTAR and Icebreaker and everything good that came before The Unhoneymooners. At least there was something there to discuss, but this one doesn’t even provide enough fuel for a hate-read.

So let’s address the actual contents of this not-so-wild rollercoaster of a book. Let it be known to all romance authors that people read this genre for one of two reasons: to love it or to hate it. We’ve already established that the latter is difficult to achieve here, but for a romance novel there is equally little to love. Over the years, I’ve witnessed male leads who are awful people and male leads who are nice people. Never have I found myself in this odd grey area where a love interest is neither. Ethan isn’t exactly bland, per se. His character is like a participation award on Sports Day, or a slightly undercooked tortellini, or perhaps even the mosquito circling around your head on the night of the summer equinox that, no matter your weapon of choice, is impossible to swat away. The only lesson to be learned from this man is that if your girlfriend (and a horrendous liar, mind you) says she was sexually harassed by your creepy brother, you might want to consider believing her…

Between our two leads, I chose to begin with Ethan so Olive might look a little more interesting, but I’m starting to doubt the effectiveness of that decision. Obviously, in classic YA romance style, Olive doesn’t know she’s the most beautiful human alive. She doesn’t know that she’s a bit of a doormat that lets the entire universe and its mother walk all over her. She also doesn’t seem to know that she’s supposed to be in love with Ethan, because these two spend all their time either finding each other extremely attractive or coming up with reasons to hate the other, with no regard to actual personality. I may have slandered the improbability of the unfortunate circumstances that threw these two together, but once the plot stopped driving and the characters took the wheel, it went downhill. I can be entertained by awkward chance encounters on a tropical island. However, the second half of this novel ruined my day.

Because, as always, there’s trouble in paradise. Our Unhoneymooners aren’t the only couple in this book - because the actual Honeymooners, Ami (the twin sister with the coupons - remember her?) and her scumbag husband Dane, also exist. Dane is just a sleaze. But Ami is not a girl’s girl, and she could learn a similar lesson to Ethan: if your sister says she was sexually harassed by your serial cheater of a husband, you might want to consider believing her, too…and maybe not hit her with the ad hominem attacks just because you can’t accept the fact that coupons won’t buy you common sense.

In conclusion, there wasn’t a lot to cover this time. There was not a single character nor moment I enjoyed in The Unhoneymooners except the end - but kudos to Ami for making my blood boil on several brief occasions. I can guarantee that your time will be better spent reading your GCSE set texts. My only advice for any desperate readers is not to waste your money on this one as well - maybe use a coupon instead?